The Art of Helping #4: Leaving the one-way message

I had an answering machine that would blink a red light when I had any messages, and that red light became increasingly wearing. I had neither time nor energy to talk on the phone; I also did not have ease of mind: I had to keep one ear on Dad. Yet people would leave the message “call me.” No matter how kindly meant, it added to my frustration because it was a way in which people said they had no clue what it was like to live with a dementia victim -- in other words, no clue what my life was like.



But sometimes someone would call and leave these words: “Just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you” or “I hope you’re OK.“ With those words the callers seemed to say that they did have a clue about my life: they knew I couldn’t talk so they didn’t ask me to call back, and their one-way messages were kindnesses to me.



I don’t know about all caregivers, but I do know a little about caregivers for dementia victims: those caregivers are always on alert in ways that others do not see or imagine, and so for those caregivers phone calls can increase stress by diverting attention from the cared-for. “Call me” messages can be discouraging to the caregiver when dementia is involved. Perhaps that is true in other kinds of caregiving also, when the caregiver must be attuned to the cared-for at all times.



The one-way message is an artful way to help: a great understanding is expressed in it.

--Maureen O'Hern

About Maureen:

Recently repatriated to Indiana from California, I am a long-time single parent of two sons, a grandma, a retired educator, a rusty musician, a botanical artist, a gardener and a lover of all things herbal. As a former daughter and niece, I am working to finish a book about caregiving.

Each day this week we will feature a new heartwarming and inspirational story:

#1 Being Present

#2 Discerning want and need

#3 Giving permission to vent

#4 Leaving the one-way message

#5 Saying “I know you are struggling”